Battles and Back Stories

     The drums of the barbarians became louder and louder, as they neared the gates of Thruyald Castle. The uneasiness of the soldiers stationed at the wall grew as steadily as the horde's march. The Thruyaldian General took notice.

     “Easy, Men,” The General began, his long wavy hair flowing in the breeze, “While the forces of their army are great in number, we are great in spirit! We will defend this place with the honor and pride of our Fathers, and their Fathers!”

     “Sire, the Barbarians have halted!”

     “Their leader must want to have word with me. Maybe they wish to negotiate.”

     “Negotiate, sire?”

     “Sure. Why not?” The general went up to the wall above the main gate, and called out to the horde,       “Where is your leader, that I might speak with him?”

     One of the thousands that made up the vast army stepped forward onto the field. “I am the leader of this army!” He shouted, a red braided beard hanging off his face and ending near the gut. “And I don't wish to negotiate! I could hear that idea from here, and it's a terrible one. We have you greatly outnumbered, and this invasion seems like a pretty sure thing.”

     “Tell me! Why are you doing this? We are a peaceful city, and have done nothing to your tribes!”

     “Oh, I'll tell you why we do this! One day, long ago, a Thru..Throu...”

     “Thruyaldian.”

     “Right! A Thruyaldian knight came to one of our camps, and we gave him shelter for the night. My father, a humble blacksmith, brought him into our own home to keep him from the harsh weather. He gave him food and drink, and was very hospitable. Then, in the middle of the night, the knight stole my father's best work, a jewel encrusted sword, and killed him with it. He rode off into the night with my father's legacy, and his life. On that day, I vowed to-”

     “Okay, stop.” The General said, hearing enough.

     “What? Why?” Questioned the Barbarian, a little pissed off that he was interrupted.

     “You're doing it again.”

     “Doing what?!”

     “You're vomiting back story.”

     “I am not!” Exclaimed the Barbarian, brandishing his axe.

     “Yeah you are! You do this every time! I ask you a question, and then you just go on this monologue.”

     “I want you to understand why I'm doing this!”

     “Yeah, I get that, but can you at least change up your story? I mean, why is your murdered father always a blacksmith?” The General asked, annoyed at the repetition.

     “I don't know, because blacksmiths are awesome? And they provide humble beginnings for a back story!”

     “I think it's because you're ripping off the story of the Spanish guy from The Princess Bride.”

     “No I'm not!” The Barbarian whined. Although he totally was. “Here's a question! Why am I always the bad guy?” He asked, with an army of bloodthirsty men behind him.

     “You're not always the bad guy!” The General explained, “It's just that I'm always the good guy, and we need a bad guy. So, you take the role of the bad guy when we need it.”

     “But we always need it! There has to be a bad guy!”

     “Exactly. Which is why you're always the bad guy.”

     “But you just said that I wasn't always the bad guy!”

     “You aren't!”

     “What?”

     “What?”

     “....”

     “....”

     “Okay, I'll stop with the back story. Can we just get back to the battle?” The Barbarian finally shouted up to the General. The horde was actually sitting on the ground at this point, waiting out the long argument between the leaders.

     “Fine,” the General agreed. He cleared his throat and got back to Generaling. “Archers, at the ready! Aim! Fire!”

     A dark cloud of arrows shot up from the walls of the Castle, arching down to the army below. Thinking quickly, the Barbarian Leader shouted his orders, “Shields up, men! Shields up!” The horde quickly brought out their wooden bucklers and metal shields, protecting themselves from the coming onslaught.

     “Wait a minute, the barbarians don't have shields!” the General yelled. The shields that the armies of evil were holding just a moment ago, vanished into thin air, therefore leaving them open to an arrow massacre.

     “What? Of course they have shields!” Shouted the Barbarian. The shields returned to the hands of the horde, who were all sighing with relief.

     “No they don't! That makes my archer attacks pointless!” The shields disappeared again, making the barbarians terrified, and making the archers feel necessary. The arrows came down faster and faster, becoming closer and closer to the barbarians.

     “Fine! Then you don't have arrows!” Declared the Barbarian Leader. And not a moment too soon, as the arrows were just inches away from the weeping defenseless army. They took the time to sigh with relief once more, and again, the archers felt useless.

     “What!? This is stupid! I'm coming down there to settle this, once and for all!” The General ordered for the gates to be open, and he alone came out of the castle. He crossed the bridge over the moat, and came up to the Barbarian Leader, who also went forward to meet his enemy.

     “So it is to be decided with single combat, eh?” The Barbarian made clear. “Very well. Let us begin!” The Barbarian raised his axe into the air, and let out a battle cry, to which the horde behind him joined in. The General wasn't phased, and drew his sword from it's sheath. The Barbarian's eyes widened. “The sword! My father's sword!”

     “What?” The General asked, confused at first, but then rolled his eyes as he came to understand what was going on. “Oh, you've got to be kidding me.”

     “You're the... Thursdayan...”

     “Thruyaldian, you idiot.”

     “Yes! You're the Thruyaldian Knight who killed my father! Today is a momentous day! Today, I get my revenge! Today, I get back my father's sword! Today, I'm the GOOD GUY!”

     “You said you'd quit it with the back story...”

     “I'M THE GOOD GUY!”

     “Fine,” The General sighed, “Yes. I'm the man who killed your father all those years ago. And I should have killed you too. I guess.”

     “That was your biggest mistake, Murderer! AAUGH!!”

     As the Barbarian cried out in vengeful anger, he raised his axe over his head. But, before he could deliver his final blow, a humongous dragon came out of of nowhere, breathing fire on both armies, killing them all instantly. She circled around the two leaders and finally landed in front of them. And in the ancient language of the dragons, she said the words that all warriors, good or evil, fear the most.

     “Kids, it's time for dinner!”